Author: lucas

Coloring books; I think that’s where it started. I used a dull crayon to begin my childish masterpiece and brought to life a giant, and a kid, and this kid defeated the giant with a slingshot. Later, I watched a remake of the scene, played out by a pickle and a cucumber.

Later on, I read a story about a kid, undermined and unvalued by his family and forced to spend most of his days and nights alone in wilderness. He managed to survive the brutal land by learning how to kill some of the most dangerous creatures in the world without traditional weapons.

The giant was a Nephilim, meaning he was part demon and part human and he terrorized the country.*

The kid tells the freakish demon/giant that God was going to use him to kill him, then takes down the giant with the same methods he learned in the wilderness, and then hacks off his head and holds it up in the air. Afterwards, a kid who had about as much social contact with women as he did with the enemy, ends up winning the beautiful daughter of the most powerful man in the country.

Somewhere in my head, the G rated version sounds like the real version, and the R rated version sounds so unlike the bible. One sounds like the hero ends up marrying Lady Elaine, and the other one sounds like something out of Greek Mythology.

Coloring books. This time I’m bringing to life a caucasian, saxon-looking bearded guy who looks like he’d own a successful calligraphy shop and drive a Prius. Behind Him is a furrow-browed mob of people, holding stones that look more like smooth loaves of bread, and in front of him is a woman who looked to be in her 30s with a dress on that was slightly ripped in the shoulders and she was strewn on the ground in dismay with a caption in old English saying “let him without sin cast the first stone”.

Later, I read a story about a girl who could have been as young as 15 (based on how Jewish girls could get married as young as 13), cheating on her husband and being drug out into the streets in front of the most righteous people in the country, with only a small-time carpenter standing between her, and being bludgeoned to death with rocks.

Lonely. Naked (most likely). Sweaty. Ashamed, and the dust is sticking to her. The town searches the ground for the most jagged looking rock they can find and look at her like the catcher at a baseball game.

“Whoever hasn’t sinned, throw first”.

Somewhere along the line, “coloring books” had tamed the bible down so far, that Jesus never seemed like a guy who would ever be in the same room with a naked, slutty girl…much less protect her. The G rated bible never seemed to show the extremes: the scandalous sex and the potential bludgeoning, so my head makes that scene seem like a tame proverb about “being merciful” and moving on.

A service at church, and Sunday school coloring books come back to mind. Everything is so tame there. We talk about general concepts like “peace” and “mercy” and use it to give us a tranquil feeling. If the content isn’t appropriate for a toddler, then it has no place in church. And how many times have you heard someone say the phrase “don’t say that kind of thing in church.”? It is the epiphany of a “G rated bible”, and my own sin and shame and nakedness make the congregation look like baseball pitchers. And somehow the “G rated Church” and the “G rated Jesus” has made the Jesus in my mind unable to stand in the same room as I, and he certainly wouldn’t be defending me.

We talk about how our generation is leaving the church in droves. I’ve heard suggestions along the lines of “we’re refusing to talk about hell enough” and, “this generation is tired of a seeker friendly church”, but I beg to differ. I think my generation is tired of the games, and tired of the bullshit. Tired of a G rated church that can’t tolerate the fact that someone said the word “bullshit” (Because apparently, mentioning cow turds is more offensive than Jesus calling the religious leaders of the day “children of snakes” and “sons of hell”). We’re tired of going to a place that can’t tolerate nakedness and shame and real problems – problems that we’re all dealing with, but an image of jagged rocks keeps us from talking about them. Most of all, I think we’re tired of turning this messy thing called “life” into a G rated coloring book, because at the end of the day, R rated problems don’t get solved with G rated solutions.

If we are to be Jesus, then we are to be able to stand in front of the lonely, naked and ashamed and not be offended. And hopefully, (albeit a bit idealistically) when we do become exposed, we find the church to be standing in the way of us, and stone throwers.

A G rated faith becomes a faith with pretense in the place of grace, because G rated problems don’t need grace or humility. Only an R rated faith has the audacity to expose things worth forgiving. If reality isn’t allowed to be talked about, then neither is grace, and if that’s the case, then we’re not worshiping a Savior, we’re worshiping a carrot in front of our face; held up by well-meaning pastors who are too scared of real problems to ever give us a means to a real Savior.

*Crazy huh? But totally biblical. Here is some more info

One of the most common things I see on social media, is a plea from a girl for a certain type of man that she’s looking for. “Find a man who will do this or that for you” with perfectly framed snapshots of a couple on a swing, or a cute wedding scene, or a 40 year anniversary to depict that there is this utopia in a romantic sort and that most of it lies in this idea that you “just need to find the right guy”.

I support that. I am in no way against women being selective and waiting for a guy who will treat them with respect and honor. I would want nothing less for my sisters, or a future daughter of mine (if that ever came to pass).

But from what I’ve noticed, there is far more involved in a romantic utopia, than simply “finding the right person”. You see, many times, the search isn’t half of the issue with a girl. The problem lies in what a woman will accept, and what a woman actually gravitates to, and that goes far deeper than whether a particular guy does cute things worthy of postcards.

In this article, I will be outlining 5 kinds of girls and why they can’t seem to find that “pastel lighting, delicate kiss” kind of romance that Pinterest seems to declare is both common and deserved.

1) The Rescuer

This girl is the one who has everything right on the outside. Her friends and family are absolutely puzzled as to why she isn’t married, and even more puzzled by the guys she tends to date, because she seems like the type to have the guy of her dreams waiting on her doorstep, but then never seems to date such guys.

What the Rescuer suffers from, is approval – and not as much approval from others (although that certainly matters) but approval of herself. No matter how great of a person she convinces others that she is, she still feels dirty and undeserving.

Combine a sense of unworthiness with the love of being a martyr, and you have the perfect rescue mission. To the Rescuer, she is looking for someone who has a ton of potential, but is in a rough spot and simply needs someone to believe in him in order to see that potential realized. While this may seem unselfish, it’s actually very self-focused, because she’d rather be praised by someone below her for appearing better than who she is, than accepted and given grace for who she actually is by someone who is on the same level.

The Rescuer looks like a 10, but feels like a 5, so she dates a 4 in order to feel like a 7.

You see, the Rescuer is feeling like she’s an angel compared to the guy she’s dating, and that makes her feel much better. She’s feeling like she’s getting what she deserves, because she can’t get past who she is or used to be.

No matter how much the Rescuer sacrifices for their guy, the guy is incapable of appreciating her, because damage and pain makes him unable to see anyone but himself. This then has the potential to take years of mistreatment before either the Rescuer develops enough self-confidence to know her true value despite her mistakes, or the Rescue Mission actually does start to improve, but curiously, his improvement always had to be something he did on his own, and her efforts to be his Jesus were all but inconsequential.

If the Rescuer wants the pastel lighting and the “happily ever after”, she needs to stop letting her past (or others) define her worth. As the line from the movie “Perks of being a Wallflower” goes, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. The rescuer needs to start viewing herself as deserving of something great, in order for her to accept something great. And, believe it or not, it takes a lot of humility to do this, for it takes more humility to accept a blessing than it does a reward.

Many of the ideal guys for the Rescuer stand by scratching their heads, as it would seem that the perfect girl just turned him down for a guy who wouldn’t treat her half as well, and in all fairness, that’s usually the case.

So for the Rescuer, she probably has had plenty of opportunities to have that beautiful ending, so it’s not a matter of searching for the right guy, it’s a matter of being able to accept him when he comes.

2) The Ship Captain

The Ship Captain is the girl who feels as if love is a ship, and if she’s not on a ship, she’s sinking.

There are two kinds of Ship Captains: Emotionally based, and Practically based.

The Emotional Ship Captain doesn’t feel valuable unless she feels wanted, but rather than focus on the problem of feeling unwanted, she sees marriage as the end-all to those problems.

The Practical Ship Captain has usually been planning on getting married for years, and sees being single as a waste of time and treading water in the aspect of going for what she truly wants.

Both Ship Captains are experts at convincing themselves that the most recent boat they’re in, is everything they want it to be.

This isn’t because she’s optimistic, as much as it is the fact that, for the Ship Captain, being alone is more frightening than being in a less-than-ideal relationship, so she’ll try and change her perspective around the relationship to make the most of it.

The Ship Captain usually isn’t even aware of how dependent she is on a “ship”, because she’s convinced herself that every ship was unique and “everything she’s looking for” and that she was on a far better course with the new ship than she was with the old ship. And because she never learned how to be happy when she was alone, she isn’t ever truly happy when she’s with someone. And “faking it until you make it” becomes wearisome after a while. Not actually being satisfied, either leads to more plans of abandoning ship, or a final breaking point where the Ship Captain has to learn how to be okay alone. Hopefully though, this happens before she’s settled for a “convenient” guy instead of the right guy and she isn’t too far in to get out.

The guy that the Ship Captain is looking for, many times sees warning signs with the Ship Captain. Either she is a bit flirty while in a relationship, or she has a track record of never going more than a few months without a boyfriend, but a perceptive guy would see that as something to be careful of. Consequently, many Ship Captains settle for guys who are ok, but certainly nothing they’ve been dreaming of.

It isn’t until the Ship Captain learns how to be truly happy alone, that she’ll be able to accept a romance that is truly healthy and a guy who treats her the way she’s wanted to be treated. Unfortunately, this is often a difficult point for the Ship Captain to reach, since she is usually unable to see that she has the Ship Captain syndrome. In her view, the problem with not having that wonderful marriage rests more on not being able to find the right guy, rather than being the right person and unfortunately, the temporary high of a new relationship seems to confirm that her assumptions were, in fact, true.

3) The Scarlett

The Scarlett is the girl who is used to constant validation for superficial reasons, so that the validation becomes a vicious game of give and take.

Many very beautiful women fall victim to the Scarlett. When you are a beautiful woman, society tells you that your worth has been defined by your sex appeal. Sex appeal is a very cruel measurement of worth. Girls in this cycle quickly become distrusting of men and starved of authentic validation.

The Scarlett both succumbs and attempts to rebel against, this stigmatism, falling into what I call the “1 out of 100 disparity”. The 1 out 100 disparity is when, in the case of 99 out of 100 guys giving a Scarlett full validation, she’ll ignore, and may even resent the 99, and yet desperately try to acquire the validation of the 1.

Thus, the Scarlett’s sorting method of who she might allow to date her becomes unfairly biased on who is shiny enough to actually catch her attention, or who is audacious enough to withhold validation from her, neither of which commonly contain guys who might give her a fulfilling relationship.

Most good guys won’t play the manipulative card of withholding validation, despite knowing how to. They leave that to the players and the womanizers. Furthermore, many decent guys don’t play their cards all at once, but use humility to be impressive, and only to those who have earned the right to see it. Hence, the Scarlett often overlooks the guys who might truly appreciate her and validate her for more than what she looks like.

It isn’t until the Scarlett is able to find her sense of value away from her beauty, that the Scarlett is going to be able to even see the guy that she truly wants to be with.

4) The Bachelorette

Bachelorette’s are the girls who need emotional stimulant, so they create unnecessary drama in order to intensify affirmation from men.

Edward loves Bella, but so does Jacob. Now they must fight and prove if they’re worthy to win Bella’s hand and in the middle of it all is Bella, who is miserable…actually that’s not right – Bella is in heaven?

At the core of all of us, there is a grandiose expectation in love. To the Bachelorette, this leads some to expect much more out of a man than is humanly possible. In movies and romance novels, the hero somehow knows what the woman is thinking and he guides her into emotional perfection.

In movies, love triangles don’t have victims, just one happy couple at the end of one emotional decision. It’s a cold reality then, when the Bachelorette finds that her fantasy world simply doesn’t exist.

At the end of the day, Bachelorette’s just want to find a “special” kind of love, but they end up much further from it than when they began. Once again, the guy they’re truly looking for is able to see when there are games and will usually see it as a warning sign. If she’s trying to bring up a different guy in order to stir jealousy for instance, it’s going to be seen as a sign of immaturity at best to the guy with a level head. This leads to disappointment from the Bachelorette and she might even see the guy as a coward for not fighting for her, when in reality, he’s escaping the situation before things get truly messy.

In order for the Bachelorette to find a satisfying romance, she needs to feel validated and valuable without men telling her so. She needs to be able to handle rejection and still know her worth. She would also need to see a more realistic and purer form of romance and love. Take a break from Twilight, Taylor Swift and Nicholas Sparks and spend some time with your grandparents who’ve known each other for 50 years and still love each other; embrace the truer, grittier and purer perspective of romance.

5) The Tower

The Tower, is the kind of girl who sits expectantly in a tower, waiting for the only guy who could not only find her, but also manage to save her.

This girl doesn’t wrestle with having too many guys (although many guys usually do want her) and she doesn’t usually have a problem with settling, her problem is that she only sees herself in one of two places: her tower, or with him. Somewhere inside she feels the need to be rescued, and she has such high stakes in that rescue, that it’s much safer to only accept it if it’s “perfect”. The way in which she does this, is by putting up a series of walls that act as a safeguard, as only those deemed worthy will be able to get through to her heart.

This kind of girl might seem like she does indeed have a decent approach to romance. She often doesn’t have much trouble with failed romances and she gets along fairly well. However, this sort of walled approach makes it very difficult for men to approach her, and, if a man does begin a pursuit, he feels like he’s navigating a war zone blind.

The downside to the Tower from a decent guy’s perspective, is that there is usually something that she is needing to be saved from.

If those walls are finally overcome, the Tower would often make her “hero” her world and transfer everything from inside the walls, into his hands. Many good guys can detect this; and find it intimidating, as no guy is going to be able to be her world and satisfy a girl like that. He’s going to go through a huge process to try and prove his capability of catching her, but the fact is that no man could ever actually catch her, since she needs to escape her tower on her own; she needs to reconcile what’s going on in her own heart before she can share it with someone else in a healthy way. He’s scared to get close, lest she jumps.

The Tower needs to understand that romance can’t save her. Once she faces the reasons that she needs rescuing and deals with them, then the stakes aren’t nearly as high and those walls become healthy challenges to her guy, and he’ll be way more likely to accept the challenge, since he’s finally able to be seen with realistic expectations. And at that point, if fate simply doesn’t wish for them to be together, he knows she’ll be ok in the end. Real men consider such things.

Conclusion

The most common issue that I notice in a woman who is looking for true romance, is that she spends all of her time planning for a wedding instead of a marriage. She ignores her issues, and looks for a guy to be an easy solution.

Being single is difficult. It’s lonely and it has an aspect of hopelessness to it, since no one can see the future, and no one wants to end up alone. However, I would imagine that the feelings of being single and lonely, are no where near the feelings of waking up after a year of marriage feeling like you made a mistake. And learning how to make someone your companion rather than your Jesus is much more difficult after you’re married and usually only comes after a meltdown of sorts.

As much as you may not feel like it, YOU HAVE TIME. Cool down, let yourself do some discovering of who you are, and rather than focusing on not settling for a guy who won’t make you happy, focus on not settling for a version of yourself that will never make you happy. If you do that, then the right guy will actually be visible to you, and you’ll be visible to him.

Picasso road the waves. Today I toured the Picasso art museum in Barcelona and I got to see the works of Picasso, from his self portrait when he was 15, up to his mosaic pieces later in life.

I saw that he went through phases, and was perfectly ok with that. His most popular paintings and the style he was eventually known by, wasn’t even birthed until later in his life.

There was a period of time where he only painted in blue. He was reading depressing books, and so he felt that blue was a color that was most melancholy and he painted everything in a blue palette.

There was a period of time, where he only copied another artist. He spent years copying someone else and every piece he painted was just a recreation.

He went through a phase where he only painted what he saw out of his balcony. He had a dove cote there, and he would just stare out his patio at the doves and paint…for years.

Picasso road the waves.

Often-times as an artist, I’m scared of waves. I have this impression, that my greatest art is within me, and that art is signature to me and it doesn’t change or fluctuate or ride waves. I believed that true art was this constant within, and you had to find it and not let anything else taint it.

While it may be true, that unadulterated art is art that doesn’t simply imitate, I realized that the human heart and soul goes through seasons…and that true art would mimic those seasons.

I need to ride the waves.

I need to stop worrying that I’m going to lose a season of my greatest art and keep trying to relive memories in order to create the art that I want. I simply need to enjoy the season I’m in and create music that tells my own story.

“We don’t mean to be rude, we’re just German”, she said, as she sipped coffee elegantly. She was Austrian, but used Germany and Austria interchangeably, allowing me to jump to a conclusion that was supposed to be “common knowledge” – Austrians and Germans are closely associated.

On my way there, I was initially worried. I had reached out through Air B&B and her responses had been short and devoid of any pleasantries. I would say something like “I’m excited to visit Vienna” and she would reply with “What time will you be here?”.

Despite that, I was eating a gourmet breakfast on a tray in her living room, sipping strong coffee and I had, only moments ago taken a shower where she had purchased masculine smelling shampoo and body wash just for me. She was treating me like her son, and I felt taken care of.

After I made the Austrian/German connection, I now had a brand new context with which to picture the people here. My grandpa is named Ivan, and my memories throughout the years have been of a stern, disciplined, quiet, but incredibly polite man. He was the kind of man who lived in the highest form of integrity with his neighbors. He would either drive the speed limit, or 5 MPH under, but never over. When he was at home, he would command that food be made, and his wife would jump to it. He was an engineer, and surrounded himself with the principles of logic, math and mechanics. This is my German grandpa, and once I could make the connection, my interactions changed dramatically.

“When I was a child”, she said, “I learned a lot about World War I, but I didn’t learn a thing about World War II”. Fascinated, I realized that the shame of it all had caused teachers in Austria to act like it never happened. I had just walked by famous locations; places where Hitler had spoke, coffee shops where Hitler had presided. Vienna was a huge history book, with page after page turning as I walked the streets. It was surreal to think that a madman managed to take control of this place, and I kept trying to understand how.

I approach a crosswalk in Vienna to find a crowd of people on my side of the street, and a crowd of people on the other. The strange part to me, was that there wasn’t a car to be seen in either direction, and yet these two crowds stood, transfixed on the glowing red pedestrian sign across from them, watching…waiting.

I began walking across the street without hesitation, and I watched the looks on everyone’s faces. They would furrow their brow at me briefly, and keep waiting for that glowing red pedestrian to give them permission.

In many instances, I was the only one who would cross the street.

Austrians – Systematic, efficient, rule abiding and pleasant. I began to realize, that with every great strength, it has the potential to be utterly abused.

Recently, Hungary closed it’s borders to the Syrian refugees. The poor refugees had no where to go, and Austria and Germany opened their borders to them. They were nearly overrun with hundreds of thousands of people, fleeing war. It was strange for me to realize, that 70 years ago, hundreds of thousands of people fled FROM Germany, and now Germany is one of the few places were people can flee TO. One more assurance that all terrible things are simply a crude distortion of something wonderful.

Heritage is more than a name, I believe. I think there is something running through the blood; through the DNA of different groups of people. This polite, principled group of people had to have been a similar group in 1939. I imagined their “do right by your neighbors” mentality and their structured existence back when the excitement of an industrial revolution had changed the lives of so many. And then I imagined a seismic shift in it all.

I haven’t read near enough history of Vienna to know for sure, but in my mind, a charismatic leader preyed on the fact that there were far more people abiding by the system, than there were those questioning it. There were too many people with dutiful faith in the order of hierarchy, than there were those who might defy it. Combine that with a systematic, engineering bent, and it truly was the perfect springboard for a near world takeover.

It was the most hospitable place I went to. Everyone was polite and seemed willing to help their fellow man. They worked hard and I never had the feeling that anyone was trying to sleight me. Standing at the stoplight, staring at the red pedestrian, I let myself wait. I stood in the crowd on one side of the street and felt the strange calm of letting that red and green glowing pedestrian decide my course, and for a second, it felt good. Life seemed simpler. The pedestrian blinked green and in an instant, I was back to plotting my course through Vienna and that brief moment of serenity was nothing more than a memory.